Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Gym Memberships

Back before the days of cellphones it was common for people to pull up in front of someone's house and lay on the horn to get them to come out. This was in lieu of the arduous task of getting off your FAT FUCKING LAZY ASS and walking 15 feet to the entrance of a house/apartment and ringing the door.

The great advantage of laying on the horn is that everyone in a half mile radius gets to hear that you've arrived. Unlike ringing the door, where only the occupants of the house would hear it.


In the days of cell phones the laying on the horn has been replaced with sending a text. Again, to prevent the arduous task of having to get up off your FAT FUCKING LAZZY ASS and walk 15 feet to ring the door. At least with the text only the future passenger is disturbed by it.

I say all this because it's remarkable that in this day and age of cell phones someone who picks up one of the people who live next door lays on the horn to get the attention of the occupants (and the whole neighborhood).

My mom has a thing she says about lazy people. The kind who won't put a shopping cart in a cart return at the supermarket or just toss their garbage out the window rather than deposit it in the trash can next to their car at the gas station. "I bet that person has a gym membership".

This is a round about way of saying we've gotten so lazy about every little thing and then find ourselves completely dumbfounded when we start to put on weight. The only answer MUST be to spend 2 hours at the gym every single day (except Sunday, that's a day for snacking and football).

I'm hardly the healthiest person on the planet, but I've maintained a similar weight for years, so despite not losing weight, I must be doing something right. It's probably because I stick to a pretty simple rule: when there is an opportunity to use your legs to do something; use your legs. Use them vigorously.

  • Consider taking the stairs when a destination is only one or two stories up. It's really not that much work. And you'll get there quicker than waiting 10 minutes for an elevator (though waiting for the elevator does give you more time to sip on your sugary drink out of that 1 gallon thermos you carry)
  • Park in the first spot you find in a parking lot and walk the extra 20 feet instead of circling for 10 minutes trying to find closer parking. You'll get in to your destination quicker and beat everyone else to that buy one get one free on family size cans of Spaghetti-Os (which you polish off all by yourself)
  • Don't waddle when you walk. Pump your legs, one in front of the other, like you mean to go where you're going. You'll get there quicker, though that does mean less time listening to your cell phone (not talking, just listening... not to music, to someone or something on the other end. Listening and never talking. I don't get it.)
  • If you can do something standing, try doing it standing now and then instead of sitting the entire time. You can even try eating standing up. Combine eating and walking, just like our ancestors did (or didn't, I really have no idea)

Little tasks add up and suddenly the 12 hours you think you need to spend at the gym breaks down to a few half hour jogs during the week to burn those extra calories (as long as you're not eating while doing the tasks above!!!).

Oh and by the way; every time I see this car pull up and blast on the horn someone in sports gear with a gym bag comes out to meet him. So... yes, that person probably has a gym membership.

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